THE WORLD’S BIGGEST ASSHOLE
If there is one thing contemporary human beings feel comfortable with it is lists, rankings, standings, some numerical representation of value that leaves no room for doubt. This is especially true in a complex world whose true functional mechanisms are shrouded in ambiguous subterfuges almost no one (no one?) can decipher (For more, see essay “Why People Like Sports”). The top ten, the best and worst dressed, our favorite foods, the fi ve sexiest, the top ten hitters, the five best and worst plays, the most memorable moments, the best selling, the biggest failures, the Fortune 500, etc., etc. Who made the list? Who dropped off the list? Just give me a number, a poll, an inquest; just line it up in a way that is simple enough to understand --- even for me. People love lists. When it comes to the world’s top assholes, it is difficult to put a list together. The first inclination would be to accrue this diffi culty to a fi erce competition in the asshole community, one that would be hard to calibrate. Surprisingly, it is just the opposite. The world’s top asshole has worn the crown for so long and by such a huge margin, that any list or poll has become irrelevant. He is an asshole’s asshole, the quintessence of the word itself. He has no peers. He’s cornered the market. He has a monopoly on it. His domination of the specialty would beat Usain Bolt in the 100 meter dash by 20 meters. What an asshole! Donald Trump. Being an asshole is something like being gay. Before my gay friends and readers get offended, this does not mean I think gay people are assholes. No. I’d guess the percentage and quality of “assholeness” in the gay community is no different than in the straight world. What I mean is that an asshole, with varying degrees of intensity and vocation, is born an asshole. (For the pro-life community, this means one becomes an asshole at conception). You cannot train to be an asshole. You cannot learn how to be an asshole. You cannot undo being an asshole. You cannot be cured of being an asshole. It comes naturally, like Willie Mays playing baseball. It is a life long affliction. Anything short of a lobotomy cannot change it. Only one thing can put an end to it --- death. If Donald Trump was an anonymous person and one was to investigate his life, I’m sure it would go something like this: “So you knew him in the 6th grade”? “Yeah --- how could I forget Donnie? What an asshole. His big number was to fart out loud and fan the smell towards other people.” “So you knew Trump in the 11th grade”? “Yeah --- how could I forget an asshole like that? In the shower after gym class he’d give himself an erection and walk around making elephant noises.” “So you knew him in his early 20’s”? “Yeah --- you don’t forget assholes like that. He’d be sitting at the bar fawning over a lady and he’d point at another woman and say ‘I fucked her’”. Boy, what an asshole. All my grandparents came to the United States in the first decade of the 20th century. They eventually settled in Brooklyn where they started and raised their families. Anyone who grew up in Brooklyn with my parents’ generation is familiar with the term “Trump Houses”. It refers to thousands and thousands of housing units built by Donald Trump’s father all across south Brooklyn, mostly in the form of small apartment buildings. Unlike his asshole son, who names everything he builds for himself, daddy Trump never called his housing projects Trump Houses. They just became such a fi xture on the Brooklyn landscape; such a factor in the socio-economic development of an area, that the regular folks themselves began calling these buildings Trump Houses. It became a generic term that sprung up organically. It is a true testament to a man’s life work. Daddy Trump amassed a huge fortune building housing in Brooklyn. I’d guess it was a bigger fortune for its time than whatever The Asshole claims his worth is today. This is how Donald Trump got rich. He’s been playing with house money all his life. But hold on a minute. Rich kids can’t be blamed for being rich and they have a right to be rich kids too. Being an asshole is no more or less prevalent amongst rich kids than other kids. Being an asshole cuts equally across all social barriers. Ted Turner, like Donald Trump, was born into an environment of financial well being. His father made lots of money in advertising and publicity --- mainly billboards and such --- though when his son came of age his business was floundering. Yes, Ted Turner had a head start but he took advantage of it in a way that could be considered visionary. He was one of the fi rst people to grasp the reality and potential of the new satellite technologies that led to cable TV. He just about invented 24 hour news. He’s left an indelible mark on humanity. Assholes don’t do that. On the contrary, you could take away every shrill, tacky, adolescent, garish, ostentatious, tasteless, sophomoric project Donald Trump has ever built --- the egotistical elephantine monuments to his undisputed reign as the World’s Biggest Asshole --- and the world would remain unchanged. In fact, doing away with whatever The Asshole has given us would improve the human condition. I’ve often envisioned Donald Trump as the organizer and all around Big Kahuna of an annual Assholes Convention at one of his resorts or casinos or towers, whatever, at the most assholish project in his whole line of such projects. But, alas, this is not possible. It goes against the laws of the universe. There is no such thing as an asshole who knows he’s an asshole. You cannot be an asshole unless you are unaware of it. You cannot aspire to be an asshole. No kid has ever told his mom and dad “when I grow up, I want to be an asshole”. There is no empathy amongst assholes. There is no camaraderie amongst assholes. There is no solidarity amongst assholes. It is impossible for an asshole to walk up to another asshole and say, “Hey man, it’s an honor to meet an asshole like you; I’ve been wanting to meet you for a long time”. “Thanks, but the honor is all mine. Your reputation has preceded you and I can only envy an asshole of your credentials”. This cannot happen. You cannot herd assholes. What a shame. Just think how much fun an annual Donald Trump Assholes Convention would be. But there is still hope --- maybe he can organize a Donald Trump Hair Dressers Convention?
Jerome Grapel
Author of the book of essays, “Because You Never Asked”
Phone: (305) 766-9576 • Email: JerryG@postcman.info • www.postcman.info
